It’s 3:00 am and ‘The Chat’ is absolutely nuts.
Why? Like any group of degenerates we have our never ending gambling group chat. Not to take credit for inventing group chats, but we invented it years ago. We used to send “mass texts” on our flip phones to each individual discussing games, picks, and plans for later. This particular chat has been around for five years and it’s morphed in recent times, including kicking out certain members who couldn’t cut the mustard. However, there are a few constants that will always remain including our group motto; Keep faith in the Law of Averages, share your winners, and keep your losers!
Jinx, he doesn’t quite grasp the whole “keep your losers” part, so he becomes an easy target. Anytime a game doesn’t come in for us, it’s inevitable Jinx was on it. We blame him rather unfairly but we’ve gone too far to turn back now. If there’s an injury or backdoor cover, everyone texts The Chat and gives him grief; 99% of the time it’s deserved. Live-Bet the Spurs Game 1 vs. the Warriors? Check. Falcons get a 2-point conversion returned on them by the Chiefs to lose a pick’em survivor pool? Check. Hell, even when he texts us; “LeBron is en fuego tonight,” inevitably, he transforms into Kyle Singler (equally bad hair).
And you know who flips out when Jinx opens his mouth? Fat Matt.
Fat Matt is our resident DFS and future bet degenerate. Matt’s yet to comprehend that just because he’s not losing on NFL Sundays with us, the money he donates to Fan Duel on late night contests is just the same. The kid loves to give players on his fantasy team nicknames; “Ice Cream Man,” which is Luis Scola (known for his plethora of scoop shots) and that night age finally caught up with Luis and he finished with two points and a rebound. Pocket Hercules? Obviously, that’s Maurice Jones-Drew.
Fat Matt also hasn’t met a ridiculous future bet he doesn’t love. Tannehill won’t throw for 4,500 yards? “Bet me.” ‘Melo won’t make the playoffs? “BET ME!” He loves season-long bets and seems to love losing them just as much. Obviously, he gets crushed with these and Generic Greg is the one lucky enough to separate Fat Matt’s money from his pocket.
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Generic Greg is a quasi successful online poker player. I say that in the most lenient of terms considering the other day he asked for help picking a winner so he could earn back poker losses (claims a one-out bad beat got the best of him).
He won a big online tournament years ago and has been pissing that money away ever since. His bet amounts are the largest of anyone in The Chat, but like most of us, he’s an impatient gambler. First quarter, first half, first inning, it doesn’t matter, bets are constantly being fired with reckless abandon. Win sooner rather than later, that’s Generic Greg’s mindset and why he’s earned a spot in The Chat.
That brings me to DJ Camp, who owes Generic Greg a wee bit of money. Oh, why you ask? DJ Camp likes to go by the alter ego; “NBA Guy”. He has a Twitter account where he looks for praise when he actually wins, charges for picks, and even thinks he’s sharper than the guys at Bet The Board. The whole tale of NBA Guy is for another day, but his handicapping career is literally like a heart monitor; constant ups and downs until he flat lined this NBA season. We’ve witnessed him sell his car for cash, duck bookies, become a bookie (plot twist, it didn’t work), and even duck us! He’s a real gem. He has a cheat code where we can’t even eliminate him from The Chat because he has a way of adding himself back. Conveniently, the cheat code doesn’t work when he owes one of us money.
And speaking of Twitter jagoffs (Joe Pesci voice), enter stage right: System Plays. What an idiot. He tried pulling a Matthew McConaughey in “Two for the Money” by not gambling, but just making picks for people who didn’t know it was him. If I have to tell you how that ended you shouldn’t be on this site. There are some laugh out loud System Plays moments. Down the road we’ll dive into his “system” and revisit his meet and greet at Generic Greg’s college graduation.
Finally, there’s Tough Guy. I have to toe the line with this description, but here goes: picture your slightly overweight, semi-fit, completely balding, tough as nails Italian buddy who rolls up the program, slaps it in his hand and bites his hat as the ‘OVER’ fails to come in for the last leg of his parlay while at the horse track. That’s Tough Guy. Lover of parlays and Miller Lite. Tough Guy lives and dies by the motto; “Hedging is for Landscapers,” he owns no less than 10 of these Bet The Board shirts. He’s been down plenty, and up less than a 65-year-old man in need of filling his blue pill prescription. But like I said, Law of Averages.
Now, why is The Chat complete chaos at 3:00 am?
A few of us have Novak Djokovic’s ‘OVER’ in games, aces, and sets in the Qatar ExxonMobil Open. A wise man, I believe it was me, once said; “Hammer Joker so we can lay wood on the New York Lottery Pick-4 prop bet at 11:00 am.”
Congratulations to all who have read this, you’ve officially been added to “The Chat”.
These are our bets. These are our losers. These are our stories – and they’re just getting started…
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Casey Brannigan is a former writer for Football Nation and Sports Editor at Trenton Times Newspaper. More importantly, he’s just like you, a gambling degenerate. You can interact with Casey on Twitter @CJ_TB.
